A Strange Occurrence, and a List

Yesterday, a fire started in my kitchen. This is how I described the incident on an Internet forum:

A paper bag flew over my gas stove and started a HUGE FIRE! It stunk up the whole place, made an enormous ashy mess, and had my smoke detector peeping for AGES. As if that wasn't bad enough, a piece of burning bag blew near Stella, who immediately freaked out and bit me.

The general response was one of confusion, along the lines of "Yeah, you never know what's going to happen, in this crazy world of winged paper bags," and "What is this, some kind of Chevy Chase movie?"

And this is what really happened:

I was making a pot of spaghetti. Or, rather, I was getting ready to make one, but the gas wouldn't ignite. I've got one of those stoves where it's supposed to come on automatically when you turn the dial, but sometimes it doesn't. Last night was one of those times, so I went off in search of a match--except, being my usual silly self, I forgot to switch off the gas before embarking on my quest. Needless to say, gas got all over the place. P.U. (Or is it Peeeee-yoo? How does one write that?)

Anyhow, I didn't find a match, and came back to find my kitchen begassed. "Faugh," I said, turning on the oven fan--and that was when the gas ignited, and the paper bag took to the air. It was all the fan's fault. It created an indraft sort of thing--or maybe that was the imploding gas--and the bag got sucked straight onto the element. It immediately started burning merrily, and then another bag caught fire, and I had to throw noodlewater all over everything (with the noodles still in). It was all very messy. There were pieces of noodle and pieces of bag everywhere, and puddles on every available surface.

Stella, she wasn't even in the kitchen when the fire broke out, but she had to come by to investigate. I, unaware of her presence, went and stood on her tail. (And that, your honour, was how I got bitten by the rat.)

In other words, it was all my fault, right down to the bite, which is what I was trying to avoid copping to with my previous (inadequate) explanation. (I should've known it was futile. What kind of nitwit keeps paper bags round the stove, anyway? What am I trying to do, nominate myself for a Darwin award?)

1) foop-foop-foop - The soft, lippy suction noise you make when you're hoovering a palmful of pills into your mouth. It's much like the sound of a horse eating oats off your hand, but with smaller lips, and less snorting. The horse would be more Pfffffff-FOOP-FOOP-PFOOOOF-FOOP.

2) shp shp - Sock feet on tiled floors.

3) shppp shppp - Sock feet on carpets, making that tiny crickling noise they do, when the carpet-fabric separates from the sock-fabric.

4) poik-peeng-shhhhp-poik-shhhhp-parata - Clothes in the dryer, with their zippers and buttons noising off the metal.

5) surrrrrrrrrvooooOOOOOOOO - oooorrrrrrsurrrrhooooooosh - The hum, whoosh, and vrooom of a large city, muffled by windows and walls, but still coming through in a cozy sort of way.

6) WAAAOOOOOkrunksurrrrrrrrvrooooo - OOOOOOOObonkooooorrrrrrrhoooosh - As above, but punctuated with short-lived but irritating supernoise: sirens, car alarms, slamming doors, and so forth.

7) ohrnnnnlywllthnhahahaarnnnnnnnnnn - andthenihooooooshandhesaidoooosrrrrr - As above, but with people walking by, engaged in quiet conversation.

8) hahahAHAHAHAhahamrblehrrglenrrrrhahahaha - HAHAHAHAhahahanrrmeeesaidnrr - TV in the background, tuned to sitcoms.

9) rnch, rnch - Someone scraping a shovel through gravel, which they've been doing all morning for some reason, and which is beginning to drive me round the twist.

10) paka-paka-papapapapapaparata TIK pakaparakapataratapapa TIK - Someone typing, and occasionally pressing the spacebar (which is always louder than the other keys).