Feeding the Rat (or Who the Hell is Drew Craig?)

This is Stella. Stella is a six-pound carnivorous monster-rat. Right now, Stella is doing what she does best: lurking. Aw. Isn't she sweet? Check out the feet on 'er! She could snowshoe round the Arctic on those. And when she hit land's end, all she'd have to do is hoist those ridiculous ears of hers and set sail. Sail, Stella, sail! What do you say--round the world in eighty days?

No. Stella is not interested in sailing. Stella wants us to leave her alone so she can eat her dinner. What dinner? That Greek salad, of course. You know, the one she's got crammed in her cheeks. Those triangular bits sticking out of her neck, those are tomato wedges. In this picture, Stella's cheeks are filled to about one-fourth capacity. When completely stuffed, her cheeks are bigger than her head. She can get a whole bunch of grapes in there, or a slice of melon, or fourteen human ears. Eat, Stella, eat!

Stella is annoyed. Note the narrowed eye, and also the lame attempt to hide behind a piece of newspaper. Since her fingers are otherwise occupied, Stella is giving Gail the tail.

No more vegetables--time to hoover up the cheese-crumbs. Slurp, Stella, slurp!

Hey, there's some behind her! Oh, no! It's stuck to her tail. Stella chases her tail. Round and round the rugged rock, the ratty rascal ran. Run, Stella, run!

This is Stella's gigantic nose, vital to any reputable cheese-hoovering operation. Note the bunchy way she's arranged her hindquarters, right here. This is so she can pounce on that bit of cheese, should it stage any last-second escape efforts.

Stella is playing with her food. Stalk, Stella, stalk! That cheese won't know what hit it.

At the end of a long, hard day, Stella likes to curl up with Drew Craig (photo courtesy of The Globe and Mail). Who the hell is Drew Craig? That, I'm afraid, is one of life's great mysteries. You know--where do crop circles come from; who was on the grassy knoll; who the hell is Drew Craig--all that sort of thing.

Stella says: "Hey, leave Drew Craig alone. He's my only friend."

Drew Craig says: "Help! There's a rat on my head!"