Fun on the Downtown Bus

This morning, having discovered a handful of change in my couch, I went for a ride on the Number 8 bus. Though I claimed to be out Christmas shopping, the real purpose of my trip was eavesdropping. Well, you know. People-watching, sort of thing. I overheard two moderately interesting conversations, and saw one disappointing bird.

Moderately Interesting Bus-Chatter, part A

Two middle-aged ladies got on at the Granville Station stop, and took seats in front of me. One took out a roll of wrapping paper, while the other struggled with her bag.

"I don't know if it's too Christmassy, though." She held the paper under the other lady's nose, too close to focus on. "Do you think it's too Christmassy? She doesn't like all that Jingle Bell stuff, that red and green. It doesn't go with her décor. She integrates the tree and the presents into her living-room theme, which is goldy-beige, with silver accents. But this is 'Silver Bells.' I couldn't find anything plainer."

"Huh?" Lady Number Two wasn't listening. She was helping her bag give birth to something fat and hairy. I leaned in for a look, trying to be inconspicuous. But before I could get well in, Lady Number One blocked me with her head: "Oh, my! Is that the--?"

"Sure is."

"Wow."

"I know. Think she expects me to bring it to church?"

"It's not very Christian, is it?"

By this time, I was all of a wriggle, trying to get a look at the blasphemous object. I wasn't having much luck.

"And its tail loops into a shoulder-strap, here."

"That's terrible!"

"That's nothing: its mouth is a change-purse. And when you get something out of the main pocket, you've practically got your hand up its butt."

I couldn't contain myself any longer. Though it wasn't my stop, I made for the doors, sneaking a peek as I passed. The object of the ladies' disdain turned out to be a purse in the shape of a dog. It had a zip where its mouth should've been, giving it a snarly appearance. Another zip curved along its side, shoulder to asshole. It had long, shaggy fur with a Dalmatian print, and a flap of red muslin hanging from its chin. Its eyes were googly, with pink pupils. I offered up a silent prayer: Oh, please let her take that to church!

Moderately Interesting Bus-Chatter, part B

Two young men boarded at Hastings and Georgia. They had a PSP* with them. They were both trying to play with it at once, and, as a consequence, had their bodies pressed tightly together. Even their faces were touching. They held the following exchange with their lips an inch apart, and without a hint of irony:

"Your guy is gay."

"Fuck you. Why is he gay?"

"'Cos he's wearing tights. Nice tights, buddy."

"They're not tights. Know what? You're gay, for thinking they're tights. When you're gay, everything looks gay to you. It's the first symptom of gayness. That's how you know you're gay. Gaylord."

"If anyone's gay, it's you, for defending the trappings of gaydom."

"Yeah, but if you know I'm gay, that means you have gaydar, which only gay people have. Therefore, you're gay, too."

This went on for some time.

I think they were playing that X-Men game. I also think someone needs to introduce them to Me & My Katamari. Now, there's a man in tights!

The King of All Cosmos

Disappointing Bird

When I got off the bus, I saw a bird tucked into the crotch of a tree. At first, I thought it was a crested myna. That would've been a major coup: crested mynas haven't been seen in Vancouver since 2003. Unfortunately, closer inspection revealed it to be a more common breed. Today's addition to my bird book: one extra-puffy starling.

* A PSP is a portable gaming system, much like a GameBoy. I have one, too, but I didn't bring it on the bus.