I Hate That!

"You know what I hate?"

"Yes, I do."

"You do?"

"Yeah. You hate goldfish, processed meats, slow talkers, peanut brittle, milk chocolate, apes other than chimpanzees, and drinking boxes with straws that are too weak to pierce the plastic."

"Okay. Well, know what else I hate?"

"What?"

I hate emoticons that use letters instead of symbols. Symbols are easy to gloss over. Symbols can be ignored. The little voice in my head doesn't read symbols aloud. "That's funny! :-)" doesn't become "That's funny, colon, hyphen, parenthesis." Letter emoticons, on the other hand, get read as acronyms. For instance: "The CDC just published the MMWR: looks like HPV is on the rise. Better wear a condom--XD." XD? Xylophone day? Xanthophores drying? X-bloody-D?

XD. I don't like this XD. Don't get it, either. What's the big idea?

XD: I am very, very old. My eyes have sunk beneath the wrinklescape, and I've lost control of my jaw.

XD: I'm a handbag with an extra-large clasp.

XD: I'm a folding stool with a cushion on top.

I've been seeing a lot of XD, lately. Lots of this nonsense, too: ^_^

What's that? My eyebrows ate my nose? And, look: =^_^= --here come my sideburns, crying vengeance!

I hate that.

"Yeah. I hate that, too."