Insecticide

I hate fruit flies. Fruit flies are the worst. Not just the worst, but the worst of the worst. The absolute pits. They go from the drain to the pantry, spreading germs. They rub their feet on your biscuits, and vomit in your tea. They float by while you're sleeping, and get sucked up your nose.

Since my flat became infested--that was about mid-September--I've had to throw away four plates of cold-cuts, one bag of crisps, nine apples, three nectarines, and a soft-boiled egg. Fruit flies cause waste. Fruit flies leave waste. Hell, fruit flies are waste: crap on six legs. Ordinarily, I'd have bug-bombed their arses, but you can't bug-bomb with birds in the house. Birds have delicate respiratory tracts: even a whiff of perfume can send 'em legs-up.

Nonetheless, one simply can't have flies. You can't enjoy food, knowing a fly might've tried it. Even brushing your teeth becomes an exercise in paranoia: has a fly sampled the toothpaste? Are there fly-eggs up the tap, contaminating the water? Have flies slept on your toilet paper? Nested in your facecloth? Maggoted up your sponge?

Birds or no, something's got to be done.

1. Let those wee fly motherfuckers know their time is up. This is best accomplished by standing near the source of infestation (in my case, the kitchen sink,) and saying "Time's up, motherfuckers."

2. Seal away any fruit, biscuits, or other non-refrigerated edibles.

3. Fill a bowl with apple-cider vinegar and liquid soap.

4. Leave the bowl out till all the flies have fallen in and drowned. It might take a few days, but if you did step 2 properly, they will all go in. The apple cider vinegar attracts them to the bowl, and the soap makes them heavy, so they drown.

5. Congratulate yourself. You've just vanquished an army. (Granted, said army had a collective brain-mass equivalent to a grape-seed, but an army's an army, what?)