InterNetHack

DORK WARNING: This entry is extremely dorky. Non-Roguelike game fanatics, proceed at your own risk.

There ought to be a Roguelike game about the Internet. You, the ever-valiant @ sign, would take on the role of the innocent Netizen going about his business. The usual cast of monsters, the dark elves and norkers and giant rats, would be replaced by Usenet trolls and fanbois and other objectionable characters one might run afoul of online. Instead of weapons and armour, you'd get software and hardware upgrades, and switchovers to more appealing ISPs. Instead of a bag of holding, you'd get a hosting account with extra storage space. Your starting equipment? Oh, baby:

Hardware
Computer: Vic20
Modem: VicModem
Telephone: Northern Telecom rotary, beige, hideous

Software
(Are you kidding me? Dude, you have no hard drive. You have no software that could POSSIBLY help you out of this one.)

Connection
Provider: Northern Telecom
Speed: 300 baud
Hosting: (Yeah, right.)
Phone line reliability: Low

Residence
Primary: Your mother's basement
Secondary: Your friend Ted's house

Your hardware and software, those would be your "weapons", determining the strength of your attacks. Your connection and residence, those would be your armour. If the monsters smacked you about too much, you'd get disconnected (the horror!), ending the game.

You'd have a number of mental statistics as well: wit, sarcasm, ability to take jokes at your own expense, and so forth. These statistics would be roughly analogous to the usual D&D-style stats you get in ordinary Roguelikes. Sarcasm, say, that'd be comparable to Strength, and the whole taking jokes aimed at you bit, that'd be Constitution. Wit, of course, would stand in for Intelligence, and would determine the effectiveness of special attacks. Oh, I can just see it now:

. . . . . . . . . 

. . . . . . . . . 

. . @ F . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . 

. . . . . . . . . 

The drooling fanboi squeals "Kawaiiiiii!" Your eardrums are damaged! (2HP)
The drooling fanboi is, like, totally baka! (Miss)
You ask the drooling fanboi if he's seen Obscure Hentai Kusojiji, which you just made up, and he says yes! (Critical hit! 10HP)
The drooling fanboi returns to his parents' basement.
The drooling fanboi left a WindowsME upgrade!

(You, of course, are not using Windows ME, unfortunately. I mean, does anyone?)

Or this:

. . . . . . . . . 

. s s s . . . . . 

. s @ s . . . . . 

. s s s . . . . . 

. . . . . . . . .

You disturb the nest of spammers! You are surrounded!
The spammer sodomizes your eyes with raunchy images! (5HP)
The spammer asks for your credit card information! (2HP)
The spammer's message bounces, and his ISP cuts him off. (Critical miss!)
The spammer sodomizes your eyes with raunchy images! (5HP)
The spammer overloads your inbox! (10HP)
You are buried in a mountain of spam! Your connection dies!

Joe Schmoe was disconnected on level 15 by a spammer.

(Disturbing the nest of spammers, that'd be a bit like kicking the kitchen sink in Nethack, or drinking from a pool in ADOM. Sometimes, you get a sparkling gem; other times, you get nothing but snakes for your bother. Such is life.)

Then, of course, there's this:

T @ . . . . . . .   . . . . . . . . .

t @ . @ . . . . .   . . . . . . . . .

. . s @ . @ @ @ .___. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . @ @ @ N___| @ . . . . . . .

. . . . . @ @ @ .   . . . . . . . . .

The Forum Nazi ejects you from his domain for badmouthing Barry Manilow! (7HP)
The Elder Forum Groupie says "And stay out!" (2HP)
The Forum Groupie says "Yeah!" (1HP)
The Forum Groupie says "Yeah!" (1HP)
The Forum Groupie says "Yeah!", but you've stopped caring. (Miss)
The Troll calls you a Nazi! (5HP)
The Troll Junior mentions Hitler! (3HP)
You invoke Godwin's Law, but everyone has you on ignore (Miss)
The Troll Junior adds you to 5 of the spammer's most objectionable mailing lists (5HP)

(Godwin, I think, would be the deity of InterNetHack. If you sacrificed enough trolls on enough spammers' nests, you'd become a Champion of Godwin, and get twenty gigs of storage space and a new ADSL connection. You'd also get the power to smite all Nazi-mentioners for 2d10 points of damage by the mere invocation of his name. As long as they hadn't got you on ignore, that is. Oh, baby.)

The object of the game would be to hack into a top-secret FBI time-travel website, return to 1993, and end September. (That is to say, nip the Internet-idiot-influx in the bud.) If you succeeded, there'd be this halfarsed ASCII animation of all the lamers and trolls getting sucked out of the Internet. It would look something like this:

LEGEND

v - Virus Kiddie
s - Spammer
t - Troll Junior
k - Script Kiddie
r - Ridiculous Connect Time
f - Forum Junkie
1 - c0/\/\puls1v3 1337sp3@k3r
0 - Warez d00d
M - Your Mother
A - Aggravating Adolescent
T - Troll
H - Horny Ol' Bastard
w - Internet-Enabled Wiccan Wannabe
N - Forum Nazi

It would be a thing of beauty, indeed.

Tomorrow, I think I'll write about the glorious tradition of hoarding slime molds.