Man with a Blower

Today, I like the novel again. It only took me four hours to write my two thousand words, and I think most of them were passable. Of course, I'm disposed to be in a good mood: I've finally got my frozen food, and the store didn't charge me again.

A funny thing happened, just after the food arrived. I was sitting here, working on Giant Rats*, when there was a scuffling noise from outside. I looked over, just in time to see a bunch of dust and lint come flying in the window. I sneezed, and a voice piped up: "Bless you!" This, I had to investigate. I pushed the curtain aside, and wasn't there some guy hanging off the side of the building, cleaning the dryer vents with a blower? What a job! Anyhow, I said "hi," then he said "hi," and we both went back to work.

Just after that, the sun went behind a cloud, and a cold wind started to blow. I hoped the dryer-vent man was almost done. He probably wasn't, though. I'm only on the fifth floor. Poor bastard's likely still at it.

COMMON OCCURRENCES WHICH I FIND MILDLY DISTURBING, THOUGH NOT TO THE POINT WHERE I GO OUT OF MY WAY TO AVOID THEM, OR BEHAVE ODDLY AROUND THEM

1) There's a closet in here, with mirrored doors. I can see those doors out of the corner of my eye, and the reflection of my hands in the doors. Next to the wee laptop keyboard, my hands look huge and malformed. They look like the world's biggest ginseng roots, or like knotted string waving in the wind. That's not the disturbing part, though. The disturbing part is that they also remind me of fried chicken feet (which I can't eat, thanks to chronic heartburn). I get hungry whenever I see them.

2) Rat B smells like spicy peas. She makes me hungry, too.

3) Sometimes, when I'm in the shower, the steam causes--oh, I don't know--convection currents in the air, or something. At any rate, a wind blows around the bathroom, and rattles the door in its frame. It sounds like someone's trying to get in.

4) Every so often, the EXTENSION IN USE light glows on the call-display. Sometimes, it glows for a few seconds; other times, it lasts several minutes. The extension is never in use at these times.

5) When the TV's volume is very low, certain people's voices sound exactly like birds' sneezes. I get all up in a bunch, thinking the birds are ill, then realise it's just the TV.

6) Occasionally, when I see an insect, I wonder if it would be good to eat.

7) My laptop has an external 3.5" floppy drive. Whenever I see it, I feel compelled to buy 3.5" floppies. If I could've afforded one of those fancy new Macs, this wouldn't have been a problem.

8) I hate those little button things old laptops have, instead of mice or touchpads. They always feel absolutely filthy, like they've been touched by about a thousand fingers. (In the case of this laptop, that's probably true.) Again:

10 IF "LAPTOP" = "FANCY NEW MAC", THEN GOTO 30
20 IF "LAPTOP" <> "FANCY NEW MAC", THEN GOTO 50
30 PRINT "NOT A PROBLEM!"
40 GOTO 30
50 PRINT "HA, HA! YOU SUCK!"
60 GOTO HELL!

Be it resolved, then, that if I ever manage to sell a novel, I'm...well, I'm paying my Visa bill. But if there's anything left after that, I'm...paying my health insurance bill. But after that, I'm getting a cool laptop. And some videogames. And a new hat. Christ. I'd have to sell five or six novels, to cover that lot.

* I ought to do something about that title. I wouldn't buy a book called Giant Rats. Well, maybe I would, but it's not exactly catchy, is it?