Official Steps for Socar's Spastic Dance

Socar is doing some kind of weird spastic dance that involves a lot of batting at the air with her forearms. It's not even a dance. I don't know what it is. Maybe a bug's trying to bite her.

--A mate of mine, talking smack on the telephone

First and foremost, remember this: Socar's Spastic Dance is a dance of joy. It's a gavotte of glee, a polka of pleasure, and a jitterbug of raw and unkempt delight. If you're not grinning from ear to ear while you're doing it--if your every move does not reflect the grand and wanton spirit of celebration--if your hands and feet are not reaching constantly and simultaneously for the earth and stars--you are doing it wrong. If people are not laughing at you, you are doing it wrong. If you don't look a little like an extra from Night of the Living Dead, you are doing it wrong.

If, on the other hand, you look as depicted above, you might just have the idea.

1) The Silly Walk - Sometimes, you will want to convey yourself from one end of the dance-floor to the other, probably with a view to spreading the joy. To this end, it is recommended that you develop a Silly Walk. No using John Cleese's one, either. You've got to make your own. Here's mine--

--isn't it lovely? See how I get my whole body into it, hair and all? A true Silly Walk isn't just in the feet. The silliness should be so pervasive it extends even unto the innocent bystanders lining the dance-floor.

2) Looking Like a Goblin - Everyone loves goblins. It's a well-known fact. Even Blackadder loves goblins: See the little goblin, see his little feet; see his little nosey-wose--isn't the goblin sweet? Thus, the more you can resemble a goblin, the more you can infect other people with your boisterous good cheer. Goblins are very skinny, with crinkly eyes and overdeveloped elbows, so stick out your pointy bits and get going!

This is me doing my best goblin impression. Note that I am combining my grinning and elbow-poking with my Silly Walk, in this highly advanced step.

3) Frenetic Motion - A true Spastic Dance is a wonder of whirling hair and knocking knees. It is imperative that no part of your body ever stand still, not even for an instant. If you can't think of anything interesting to do, just pretend you're giving someone directions while sweeping up cobwebs with your hair.

Note how it looks like I'm about to go arse over teakettle, right there. This is not a mistake. It's meant to look that way.

4) Spastic Oops - This was supposed to happen:

5) Looking About Three Times Your Actual Size - By dint of splayed limbs, uncontrolled waving, and ridiculous stretchiness, it may be possible to appear up to three or four times as large as you actually are. Remember, size does matter.

I call this move "I caught a fish, and it was this big!" Not only does it work wonders on the dance floor, but it's great for keeping your partner off your side of the bed.

6) Standing About Looking Confused - If you happen to become fatigued, you don't have to stop dancing. Just stand about looking mildly confused for a minute, and your energy will come surging back.

7) The Eighties Are Your Friend - Steal as many moves as possible from dance crazes of the seventies and eighties. Anything involving disco, cheerleading, or the Safety Dance is a good bet.

Here, I'm doing that thing where you hold your nose and shimmy floorwards. I'm not entirely sure where it came from, but I remember doing it in something resembling earnestness about twenty years ago. (Bear in mind, of course, that I wasn't exactly a good dancer in the eighties, either.)

8) George Romero Rules - I always thought Night of the Living Dead should've had more dancing in it. Singing, too. Like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but with zombies. I have put together this oddly sprightly zombie walk, in hopes of inspiring Mr. Romero to new heights of musical and choreographic creativity:

9) Whooshy Hair - If you're bald or buzz-cut, you can substitute whooshy clothing. But don't blame me if folks think you're a bit whooshy in the head.

This here, this is a perfect illustration of how not to do the Spastic Dance. Sure, she looks cute doing it, but where's the whoosh? She's smiling, but where's the mad abandon? Where's the ear-to-ear beamer, the crinkly-eyed rapture? And what's going on with that ponytail? This dancer doesn't look anything like a goblin, nor yet a zombie. The contortion of her body is half-hearted--if you're not breaking at least one rule of physics or physiology, you're not doing the Spastic Dance. Clare, here, she's not even breaking a sweat. Knees up round the shoulders; dignity down the pants--that's the ticket.

The Spastic Dance isn't just for entertainment. It can also be used as an agitation device for "Shake Well Before Use" products, a distraction for crotchety babies, and a vigorous aerobic workout. Also, owing to a persistent urban myth that suggests dancing ability is proportional to sexual ability, the Spastic Dance works as discouragement for unwanted suitors. All in all, it's a worthwhile endeavour, wouldn't you say?