Socar's Slightly Namby-Pamby Laws of Inoffensive Internetting (Laws of the Internet, For Short)

SOCAR'S FIRST LAW OF THE INTERNET

Always assume that any material posted on the Internet will eventually reach its least desirable audience. Naughty snapshots go to your mother. Photos of your kids running around in diapers go to pedophiles. Rude comments about your grandmother, who lives in a remote village in the Himalayas and makes her living weaving yak-blankets--well, if there's yak-butter on your seat at the next family reunion, don't say you weren't warned.

It doesn't matter whether the Least Desirable Audience is familiar with the newsgroup, website, or forum you're posting at, or no. It doesn't matter if your site is password-protected, or Google-whored to the hilt. It doesn't matter if you removed the offending material shortly after posting it, or acted the slack-arse and left it there for ten years. It doesn't even matter if the Least Desirable Audience is without Internet access. You've got to assume they'll see your post some day, somehow.

SOCAR'S SECOND LAW OF THE INTERNET

It is bad form to grouse about the consequences of posting without considering Socar's First Law. When that internal message--yeah, that one--finds its way to your boss, you are not entitled to any sort of righteous indignation regarding your termination. You may, of course, complain in a non-righteous manner, after having admitted that you brought the whole thing upon yourself, but where's the fun in that?

SOCAR'S THIRD LAW OF THE INTERNET

Part A: When professing your dislike of any product, philosophy, or practice on the Internet, expect a certain level of ungentlemanly disagreement.

Me, in a recent entry: Breath of Fire IV sucks.

Chorus of Protest: You [expletive]! How could you?

It doesn't matter if you are expressing your dislike of something as hotly-debated as religion, or something as obscure as a folk song--there's always someone who likes it a whole hell of a lot, and will take your disagreement as a personal affront.

a) Me: I find C'è la luna ammenzu'o mari a bit irritating, when it's stuck in my head.

Chorus of Protest: You [expletive]! How could you?

b) Me: I think Intelligent Design Creationism's a load of twaddle, eh what?

Chorus of Protest: [as above]

Part B: The only acceptable response to such ungentlemanly disagreement is witty, high-handed, insufferable mockery, which leaves your detractors looking like wallies. Unless, of course, they're right and you're wrong. Then, you're screwed. Ha, ha. See the Fourth Law.

SOCAR'S FOURTH LAW OF THE INTERNET

It is a contest.

What's a contest? Everything is. The prize? Getting to be right (or, at the very least, left. You know, when the dust clears, sort of thing). Sometimes, it's a pissing contest: biggest bladder wins. Other times, it's Red Rover: biggest team wins. Or wittiest comment, or last word, or longest tenure in the community, or--well, it varies from venue to venue, and from situation to situation.

One thing doesn't vary: the loser is always the guy who takes himself most seriously.

SOCAR'S FIFTH LAW OF THE INTERNET

Eventually, everyone breaks Laws 1-3, and falls afoul of Law 4.

It happens. One bad day, one drink too many, and suddenly you're playing the twat on the Internet--and it's up there, archived for all to see! Nice one, hoser! Now, you're just like the rest of us.

SOCAR'S SIXTH LAW OF THE INTERNET

Someone on the Internet doesn't like you, and nothing you can say or do will ever change that.

This is probably related to the Fifth Law, in some way. Whoever doesn't like you, of course, is an exception, when it comes to that sort of thing, and has always comported himself perfectly online. Flawlessly! Except, of course, for those snarky anonymous comments he leaves on your blog.

SOCAR'S SEVENTH LAW OF THE INTERNET

In ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, if it's not worth saying with your name attached to it, it's not worth saying at all.

Who's never felt the urge to mock, insult, or otherwise abuse any of the following:

a) The guy who think's its too time-consuming to use apostrophe's, except where they dont belon'g?
b) teh d00d who typz liek this...r u ppl lstning?
c) This genius*?

Or the guy who thinks aborted fetus earrings are cool, or JesusMommy69, who thinks Darwin should be banned from the classroom, or--well, pick your adversary. Me, even. How about me? Ever wanted to insult me, and do it anonymously, so I couldn't get back at you?

Have you ever come across a political debate which you found particularly repugnant, or disturbed a writhing nest of zealots? Have you ever been so excited, offended, or outraged by something online that you absolutely HAD to speak up...but not quite excited/offended/outraged enough to let the bastards know who they were getting lectured by?

Here's a hint: don't bother. Nobody cares about anonymous comments on the Internet. They carry about as much weight as my eiderdown did, after I put it in the dryer**.

Whether you're speaking up on a serious issue, because you believe something needs to be said, or poking fun at some squirrel-torturing jingoist, have some balls. Stand for those heartfelt screeds/cheap jabs. Go on. You can do it!

Have I ever posted anonymously? Sure, once or twice.

Were those posts particularly useful, memorable, or otherwise worthwhile? I can't remember what I said. That probably tells the whole story, right there.

ADDENDUM: VURGE THE BURDMAN'S LAWS DESCRIBING THE PROLIFERATION OF INTERNET PACKBAWKIES, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS VIRGE'S LAWS OF INTERNET IDIOCY

VIRGE'S FIRST LAW OF INTERNET IDIOCY

No Internet posting is idiot-proof.

No matter how much editing you do, no matter how clearly you explain your position, no matter how carefully you frame your comments, there will always be an idiot who reads things that you haven't said. When you think you've created a completely idiot-proof post, the Internet will provide an even bigger idiot.

VIRGE'S SECOND LAW OF INTERNET IDIOCY

Even the most obnoxious, incoherent imbeciles on the Net have friends who support them...unconditionally.

* This site is the worst! The absolute pits! What a doofus! --Socar J. Myles

** I'm still cleaning up the feathers. Never, ever do this. It's what us rats like to call a Very Bad Idea.