Socar's Unsubstantiated Theories of Inoffensive Internetting

Like Socar's Laws of the Internet, these theories apply to the entire Internet, including you. Unlike Socar's Laws, they have not yet been subjected to the usual rigorous and extensive field-testing* involved in these sorts of things.

SOCAR'S FIRST THEORY - THE CANNIBAL EFFECT

Internet users, and the threads of discussion they create, have two distinct and definable states of being. In the first state (Condition A), calm prevails. All exchanges are more or less amiable, and no-one has mentioned Hitler. In the second state (Condition B), some berk (or, in more explosive cases, a cacophony of berks) has disrupted the peace, causing a flame-war to break out. Tempers are boiling. CAPS-LOCK is being used. There are crude pictures, links to offensive websites, and page-long political screeds. At least one person has used the term "ad hominem" (possibly incorrectly), and if World War II hasn't been mentioned yet, it's only a matter of time. Once Condition B has affected an Internet discussion, all users involved in that discussion forget about the original subject, and begin to feed the flames, either by participating directly, or by browbeating those who are. Any posts that do not feed the flames, either directly or indirectly, are subject to the Cannibal Effect.

The Cannibal Effect:

As soon as an Internet flame-war erupts, it becomes possible to say anything, anything at all, as long as it has no bearing on the argument at hand, without being noticed. This effect, I believe, has evolved partly as a goatse.cx defense mechanism, and partly as a general-purpose noise filter.

An Example of the Cannibal Effect:

Flamer A: Senator Kerry is a cunt. People who VOTED for Senator Kerry are cunts. And, now that you mention it, I saw a picture of Senator Kerry naked, and he even HAS a cunt! How do you like them apples?

Me, goofing off: Hi! I'm a cannibal.

Flamer B: See, Flamer A, you just lost ALL your credibility, not that you had any to begin with. Take your annoying ad-hominem attacks somewhere else. I voted for Kerry, and until I mentioned that, you were totally kissing my ass! So now I'm a cunt? You're a cunt.

Flamer C: You're all cunts!

Flamer A: At least my cunt isn't full of maggots and goneria**, like Flamer B's mother's.

Flamer D: You joke, but in a society that's rapidly turning into a recreation of NAZI GERMANY....

Flamer E: [Fifty identical images of Hitler]

Flamer A: YOU MENTIONED HITLER! I WIN, YOU LOSE!

Flamer B: Just the kind of logic I've grown to EXPECT from a Bush supporter! Just because HE loses doesn't mean YOU win.

Generally speaking, one would not literally jump into a flame-war and introduce oneself as a cannibal (although, in one of my field-tests of the First Theory, I did exactly that). However, one might conceivably say something ridiculous about the topic that was being discussed before the flames broke out, and escape without being made fun of. There's probably some sort of use for this phenomenon--something infinitely sneaky and clever--but I haven't thought of it yet.

SOCAR'S SECOND THEORY - THE FREE PASS EFFECT

I first noticed the Free Pass Effect during last year's April Fool's joke, PhaWRONGula. (PhaWRONGula, for the uninitiated, is a parody blog based on PZ Myers' Pharyngula.) Now, according to conventional Internet wisdom, PhaWRONGula ought to have been flamed off the face of the earth within a week of its inception. It was rife with religion and politics, much like its host blog, and took some very blatant jabs at some very loudmouthed folks:

Wizbang Paul - Interestingly enough, the only flame left on this rather unkind little verse is directed at PZ Myers, not at me.

Jerry Falwell - Here I am again, being unkind to a dying man--without consequence!

Michael Behe - Virge has nothing pleasant to say about Michael Be-hee-hee, but the Internet's just fine with that.

Ann Coulter - And here's Virge again, merrily lampooning Ann Coulter, flame-free.

During PhaWRONGula's heyday, it was getting between fifty and seven hundred and fifty hits per day. Many of these came from Pharyngula, which is notoriously plagued by flamers. How, then, did we escape the wrath of the Internet?

The Free Pass Effect:

It is possible to insult very nearly anyone on the Internet, without repercussions of any kind, as long as you do it in verse.

I have tested the Free Pass Effect on dozens of forums and newsgroups, with astounding success. This general-purpose flame, I find, goes over particularly well:

Though, truly, my wrath has been stirred,
In lieu of the four-letter word
That enters my mind
When faced with your kind,
I've chosen to flip you the bird.

I often accompany it with a textual representation of a fart noise: "pthbbbt," perhaps, or "bthlvlvlvl."

* That is to say, hearsay, gossip, and casual observation.

** SOCAR'S LAW OF INTERNET INVERSES: An Internet user's command of his native language tends to be inversely proportional to his likelihood of being involved in a flame-war***.

*** ADDENDUM TO SOCAR'S LAW OF INTERNET INVERSES: Except when the flame-war has to do with the proper usage of his native language.