Stella and I Eat

Why is it that everything that tastes good costs three times as much as everything that doesn't, and comes in smaller packets, to boot? I mean, I get some money, I pay off part of my Visa bill, I order some groceries, and then....

Day One

I get my food order. This stuff has to last two or three weeks, but I'm starving. I am tempted to eat as much as possible as quickly as possible. It all looks so tasty. I have no willpower.

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: One loaf of black bread, one loaf of white, and one bag of pitas. Fresh lettuce, fresh cucumber, oranges, apples, and grapes. Salad dressing. Honey. White and purple grape juice (one litre of each). Milk (two litres), and hot cocoa mix. One packet of rice, one packet of noodles, and one pound of chicken breasts, frozen. Fresh tomatoes, canned tomatoes, and tomato paste. One bag each of frozen samosas and pakoras. Two kilograms of oven fries. Eggs (brown, organic), oatmeal (apple flavoured), onions, and mueslix. Random condiments.

The white bread, the cucumber, and most of the fruits are for Stella. So are the eggs, the oatmeal, the onions, the fresh tomatoes, and the mueslix. The rest is for me. I make chicken sandwiches with lettuce and canned tomato for lunch, and chicken with pasta for dinner. I drink half a litre of milk, and half a litre of grape juice. (I am very thirsty.) Stella eats four eggs mixed with tomato, cucumber, and onion. The onions stink up my whole apartment. I hate onions. Later on, when I'm eating dinner, Stella comes begging again, and gets a piece of bread I've used to wipe my plate clean. She eats part of it, and throws the rest out on the floor. Before bed, I have some hot cocoa. Stella tries to jump up and sample it, but I chase her back into her cage.

Day Two

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Three quarters of a loaf of black bread, nine-tenths of a loaf of white, and one bag of pitas. Fresh lettuce (most of a bag), half a fresh cucumber, oranges, apples, and grapes. Salad dressing. Honey. White and purple grape juice (one litre of purple, half a litre of white.). Milk (1.5 litres), and hot cocoa mix. One packet of rice, most of a packet of noodles, and three-quarters of a pound of chicken breasts, frozen. Fresh tomatoes, canned tomatoes, and tomato paste. One bag each of frozen samosas and pakoras. Two kilograms of oven fries. Eggs (brown, organic), oatmeal (apple flavoured), onions, and mueslix. Random condiments.

I eat all the pakoras (the bag was pretty small), and drink half a litre of milk again. I don't drink any grape juice, though. I'm saving the grape juice. It's always gone too fast. Later on, I also eat some more chicken and noodles, and honeyed rice balls. Stella eats a rice ball, too, and a Spanish omelette. Later on, when she comes sniffing around for a snack, I feed her half an apple. She is not impressed, and squeals loudly till I give her the other half as well. I have some hot cocoa and go to bed.

Day Three

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Three quarters of a loaf of black bread, nine-tenths of a loaf of white, and one bag of pitas. Fresh lettuce (most of a bag), a stub of a fresh cucumber, oranges, apples, and grapes. Salad dressing. Honey. White and purple grape juice (one litre of purple, half a litre of white.). Milk (one litre), and hot cocoa mix. Most of a packet of rice, most of a packet of noodles, and half a pound of chicken breasts, frozen. One fresh tomato, canned tomatoes, and tomato paste. One bag of frozen samosas. Two kilograms of oven fries. Eggs (brown, organic), oatmeal (apple flavoured), and mueslix. Random condiments.

I get up early, and have a chicken sandwich and a salad. Stella doesn't get up, so I don't feed her. I work for several hours, sipping away at the grape juice and hot cocoa. Before I know it, I've used up two pouches of cocoa and the rest of the white grape juice. As a result of my drink-hoovering, I'm not hungry at dinner time, and only eat a samosa. Stella, on the other hand, is ravenous. She polishes off the last of the eggs and tomatoes, and a bowl of oatmeal with apples mixed in. In the middle of the night, she rattles the bars of her cage till I get up and give her some mueslix. I eat another samosa and go back to bed.

Day Four

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Half a loaf of black bread, nine-tenths of a loaf of white, and one bag of pitas. Fresh lettuce (half a bag), oranges, one sad apple, and grapes. Salad dressing. Honey. Purple grape juice (one litre). Milk (one litre), and hot cocoa mix. Most of a packet of rice, most of a packet of noodles, and a quarter-pound of chicken breasts, frozen. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. Most of a bag of frozen samosas. Two kilograms of oven fries. Oatmeal (apple flavoured), and mueslix. Random condiments.

I get up early again, and eat an orange for breakfast. Later on, when Stella gets up, I eat another orange while I make her some lunch. Since there are no eggs left, Stella gets oatmeal again, with the last apple mixed in. Later on, I eat dinner (pitas stuffed with chicken, sliced grapes, and lettuce), and Stella eats lettuce, fried bread with honey, and grapes. I drink half a litre of milk, and another pouch of hot cocoa.

Day Five

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Half a loaf of black bread, three-quarters of a loaf of white, and half a bag of pitas. Fresh lettuce (a few straggling leaves), one orange, and most of a bunch of grapes. Salad dressing. Honey. Purple grape juice (one litre). Milk (half a litre), and hot cocoa mix. Most of a packet of rice, most of a packet of noodles, and one chicken breast, frozen. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. Most of a bag of frozen samosas. Two kilograms of oven fries. Oatmeal (apple flavoured), and mueslix. Random condiments.

Although my anti-heartburn diet (which I never follow, anyway) forbids it, I make tomato soup for breakfast, using one can of tomatoes, half a can of tomato paste, some milk, some water, and some random condiments (basil and oregano). Stella, smelling the tomato soup, wakes up and comes a-begging. I put in soup-soaked bread. She throws it out. I try oatmeal. She pees on it, then throws that out too. Stella is bored. She wants snack food. I feed her the last orange, which I was saving for myself, and she eats that happily. Later on, we both eat samosas and honeyed rice balls. The last few leaves of lettuce have wilted, and are no longer safe to eat. The pita bread is also beginning to look a little stale. I drink half the purple grape juice, and some hot cocoa.

Day Six

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Half a loaf of black bread, just under three-quarters of a loaf of white, and half a bag of pitas. Most of a bunch of grapes. Salad dressing. Honey. Purple grape juice (half a litre). Milk (a quarter-litre), and hot cocoa mix. Most of a packet of rice, most of a packet of noodles, and one chicken breast, frozen. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. Half a bag of frozen samosas. Two kilograms of oven fries. Oatmeal (apple flavoured), and mueslix. Random condiments.

I eat the last two pitas for breakfast, stuffed with the last chicken breast, sliced grapes, and salad dressing. Stella eats the last of the oatmeal, and a handful of grapes. For dinner, we have samosas and rice balls again. Stella is not happy with the rice balls tonight, and throws them out. I don't feed her anything else. I am tired of her pickiness. I pay good money for that food, and she wastes it. Childish creature. I drink the last of the milk, and the last of the grape juice as well.

Day Seven

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Half a loaf of black bread, just under three-quarters of a loaf of white. Half a bunch of grapes. Salad dressing. Honey. Hot cocoa mix. Three quarters of a packet of rice and most of a packet of noodles. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. A frozen samosa. Two kilograms of oven fries. Mueslix. Random condiments.

Stella wakes me up. She is squealing for food, and being annoying. I want to sleep in, so I pull my coat up over my head. It doesn't shut out the noise, though, and I eventually have to get up. I can't be arsed with making breakfast for Stella, so I throw her in some grapes. She throws them out. I wrap them up in cling film, saving them for later. I won't have that rat wasting good grapes. I make her some warm mueslix with honey instead, and she seems satisfied.

For my part, I eat black bread with salad dressing and mustard on it. Mm. Good. I drink hot cocoa to get the taste out of my mouth. When dinner comes around, I eat the last samosa, and Stella has fried bread with tomatoes and honey. She eats off the tomatoes and throws out the bread. I push it back in, and she hides it in her nest. Bad rat.

Day Eight

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: A dog-end of black bread, slightly more than half a loaf of white. Half a bunch of grapes (mostly rat-grapes that have been on the floor, and can now only be eaten by the rat). Salad dressing. Honey. Hot cocoa mix. Three quarters of a packet of rice and most of a packet of noodles. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. Two kilograms of oven fries. Mueslix. Random condiments.

I get up before Stella, and look in the fridge. I don't feel like eating any of that stuff, but I scarf down the last of the black bread anyway. I also eat all the grapes which didn't touch the floor, and drink the last pouch of hot cocoa. Stella sleeps till dinner time, at which point we share a plate of noodles and canned tomatoes. For a midnight snack, Stella gets the floor-grapes. She pushes them out at first, but I sit right there and shove 'em back in till she gets tired of arguing. There. I showed that rat.

Day Nine

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Slightly more than half a loaf of white bread. Salad dressing. Honey. Three quarters of a packet of rice and three quarters of a packet of noodles. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. Two kilograms of oven fries. Mueslix. Random condiments.

I don't feel like eating breakfast. Nothing looks appetizing. I eat oven fries anyway, because I'm hungry. Stella also wants fries, but they're too greasy, so I give her warm mueslix with honey. Angry at not getting the fries, she throws out some of the mueslix. Faugh--what a mess! I drop it back in, right on her head. She starts scraping it off like mad, but she has to lick it off her fingers, and ends up eating everything. For dinner, we have rice balls and honey. Stella is still hungry, though, so I give her a piece of bread with tomatoes on it. I forget to fry the bread, and it ends up on the floor. Stella hates cold food.

Day Ten

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Half a loaf of white bread. Salad dressing. Honey. Just over half a packet of rice, and three quarters of a packet of noodles. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. Two kilograms of oven fries, minus one plateful. Mueslix. Random condiments. Fresh bananas, canned lychees.

I go to the store before breakfast, and pick up some more fruit for Stella. She gets a bit tetchy if there's nothing sweet on her plate all day. I make her some warm mueslix with honey and banana slices, and she's so happy she squeals. Makes a nice change from the food-flinging that's been going on lately. I eat rice balls, garnished with the last of the honey. For dinner, we both have spaghetti with canned tomatoes. I put pepper and basil on mine so it doesn't taste so boring. I get pepper up my nose and sneeze and sneeze and sneeze. I'm annoyed. I find an ancient tea bag and make tea, but it tastes awful without honey. I drink it anyway.

Day Eleven

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Half a loaf of white bread. Salad dressing. Just under half a packet of rice, and half a packet of noodles. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. Two kilograms of oven fries, minus one plateful. Mueslix. Random condiments. Fresh bananas, canned lychees.

I get a craving for fruit, and eat all the lychees myself. I also eat two pieces of Stella's bread. Stella gets more bananas and mueslix. She doesn't squeal as loudly when there isn't any honey, but she seems to like the bananas well enough. For dinner, I have fries, and Stella has the best approximation of rice balls I can make without any honey. She also has canned tomatoes, warmed up in the microwave.

Day Twelve

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Just under half a loaf of white bread. Salad dressing. Just under half a packet of rice, and half a packet of noodles. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. Two kilograms of oven fries, minus two platefuls. Mueslix. Random condiments. A banana.

I am tempted to eat Stella's banana for breakfast, but she is watching me, so I don't. I give it to her with the last of the mueslix. Man, that rat can eat. I have noodles with ketchup on. I hate the ketchup they make here. It doesn't taste like tomatoes. The kind they had in Sweden was much better. You could eat noodles with ketchup there, and it was almost like a proper meal. (I'd use canned tomatoes, but I'm starting to run out of them, and I need to save some for Stella.)

For dinner, I have oven fries. That's the end of the first packet. How the hell does one kilogram of fries equal only three platefuls? Stella has fried bread with tomatoes on again. She gets mad at the bread and beats the shit out of it. She raises it above her head and slams it on the ground, then rips it in half down the middle. She stamps on it, crushes it against the bars of her cage, and when she can abuse it no more, she eats it.

Day Thirteen

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Three slices of white bread. Salad dressing. Just under half a packet of rice, and the same amount of noodles. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. One kilogram of oven fries. Random condiments. Three pouches of instant oatmeal and three cans of tangerine slices in syrup.

I pay another visit to the store. Stella is very pleased with her instant oatmeal with tangerine, but I am not so happy. It sticks to the pan and smells disgusting, and even after it's all eaten, the stench lingers. I eat oven fries, trying not to use up too many. I am getting tired of drinking water. I go to the ninety-nine cent pizza joint and get a can of Dr. Pepper, which gives me heartburn.

Because of my heartburn, I'm not hungry at dinner time. I eat the last of Stella's bread to soak up the acid, with some salad dressing for flavour. Stella gives me the evil eye. I give her rice and tomatoes.

Day Fourteen

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Salad dressing. Just over a quarter-packet of rice, and half a packet of noodles. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. One kilogram of oven fries, minus a small plateful. Random condiments. Two pouches of instant oatmeal and two and a half cans of tangerine slices in syrup.

I eat oven fries for breakfast and for dinner. In spite of my best efforts at conservation, I eat every single fry. Stella mooches a handful. She hasn't had any junk food in yonks, so it's all right for her to eat fries. I give her a nutritious dinner of oatmeal and tangerines to make up for the junk, and go to bed with the nasty smell polluting my nostrils.

Day Fifteen

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Salad dressing. Just over a quarter-packet of rice, and half a packet of noodles. Canned tomatoes and tomato paste. One pouch of instant oatmeal and two cans of tangerine slices in syrup. Random condiments.

I'm not hungry at breakfast. I have heartburn from eating too many fries and not enough vegetables. I make soup with water, pepper, basil, and tomato paste. It isn't half bad. Stella gets the last pouch of oatmeal, and some tangerine slices. She is not as happy to see them as she was at first. She is getting bored.

For dinner, we both have rice balls (which really don't hold together very well without honey), and Stella has the last of the canned tomatoes. She throws them on the floor, the little ingrate. I saved those just for her. I could've had them in my soup.

Day Sixteen

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Salad dressing. A quarter-packet of rice, and half a packet of noodles. Tomato paste. One can of tangerine slices in syrup. One litre of apple juice, one bunch of leeks, three cans of vegetable stew. Random condiments.

My skin and hair are starting to dry up. I buy apple juice and leeks to stave off...er...whatever happens if you don't eat your vegetables. I make leek soup, using water, basil, the last of the tomato paste, and, obviously, a leek. I hate the soup. I hate leeks. I eat it anyway. Stella isn't up yet, so I don't feed her anything.

I drink apple juice all afternoon. I try to save it, but I don't have any willpower. I drink every last drop. Stella wakes up, and we have spaghetti and boiled leeks with salad dressing. This is even more disgusting than the leek soup, but Stella loves it. I give her part of mine.

Day Seventeen

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Salad dressing. A quarter-packet of rice and a quarter-packet of noodles. One can of tangerine slices in syrup. Half a bunch of leeks, and three cans of vegetable stew. Random condiments.

I remember about the vegetable stew, and share a can with Stella for breakfast. It has a lot of tomatoes in, and I get heartburn. For dinner, we have rice balls held together with boiled leeks and the last of the salad dressing. Stella can't get enough of the leeks. I also give her some tangerine slices.

Day Eighteen

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: A handful of rice and a quarter-packet of noodles. Half a can of tangerine slices in syrup. Two leeks, and two cans of vegetable stew. Random condiments.

I decide to stretch out the vegetable stew. I put a couple of spoonfuls of it in water, dump in the last two leeks, boil it up, and consider it soup. I feed Stella the last of the tangerine slices, and one soggy leek. For dinner, I make rice soup (water, more vegetable stew, and the last of the rice). Stella gets hers everywhere.

Day Nineteen

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: A quarter-packet of noodles. One and a half cans of vegetable stew. Random condiments.

I put some noodles and half a can of vegetable stew in water, boil it, and tell Stella that this is also soup. She is skeptical, but eats it. I promise her fruit tomorrow. I don't have enough energy to go to the store today. For dinner, I have noodles with pepper and basil on, and Stella has half a can of vegetable stew.

Day Twenty

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Half a can of vegetable stew. One large pizza. Random condiments.

I am still not up to going to the store. I am very tired, and also suffering from PMS. Stella seems to be PMS-ing as well. She won't shut up. I check the balance on my credit card: $4,937. Okay, fine. I can't afford another grocery order, but I can get us a pizza. I got a coupon in the mail, so it'll be cheap. I phone Domino's and get a large deep-dish with olives, garlic, and pepperoni. I would prefer a thin-crust one, but I have to make it last. All that dough on the deep-dish one will fill me up faster, so the pizza won't get eaten all at once.

The pizza arrives. I eat a slice, and Stella eats a slice, after I've sponged all the grease off hers. She picks off all the olives. I wish I'd picked them off and eaten them myself. I like olives. Later on, I eat another slice, and give Stella the rest of the vegetable stew.

Day Twenty-One

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Most of a cold pizza. Random condiments.

Stella and I eat cold pizza. I am glum, but Stella is very happy. She loves pizza. She chirps and bounces. I dream of grape juice.

Day Twenty-Two

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Half a cold pizza. Random condiments.

Oh, joy. Two-day-old pizza. I microwave mine to death, hoping that'll kill any germs which have begun to accumulate. I microwave Stella's a little less, not wanting her to burn her tongue. Stella is still very happy to eat pizza. I am not. Fortunately, a cheque arrives in the mail. I go to the store and buy a packet of stamps, then send the cheque off to the Royal Bank to be deposited.

Day Twenty-Three

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Three slices of cold, gnarly pizza. Random condiments.

I am very wary of this pizza. I do not want to eat it. Stella is as eager as ever, but I don't want her to eat it either. I have to feed my rat something. I check my bank account to see if the cheque has been deposited yet. It has not. I place a grocery order anyway, hoping the money will be in there by the time it arrives.

Eventually, I am so hungry I microwave and eat the pizza. Stella also eats it. She is fine, but I don't eat the crusts from my slices, and therefore get heartburn from the tomato.

Day Twenty-Four

Contents of Fridge and Pantry: Random condiments.

I lick ketchup. Stella gives me weird looks. At around dinner time, our grocery order arrives. We exult. Much immoderate eating goes on. The cycle repeats.

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