The Dreaded Impostrophe

The word of the day is impostrophe.

Impostrophe (n)

Pronunciation: Im-POSS-troh-fee

Alternate Pronunciation: Get-the-fuck-OUT-of-here

Etymology: From apostrophe (a punctuation mark ('), used to indicate the possessive case OR the dropping of letters OR a plurality of letters, as in "the dogs' tails" or "the tails' dogs", and so forth), and impostor (an intruder; one who insinuates himself under false pretenses).

Entomology: Bug off.

Definition: An impostrophe is, simply put, an apostrophe in a place where it doesn't belong. See also dyspostrophia (a condition in which neither apostrophes nor impostrophes are present, even when (in the former case, anyhow) they ought to be), and impostrophia gravis (a condition, lethal to comprehensibility, in which impostrophes run rampant, supplanting legitimate apostrophes entirely).

Definition in Limerick Format:
When your dog comes a-begging at tea
And "it's quaint, cheerful antics" you see,
Don't part with your rice
(It'll just attract mice)--
And dispense with that impostrophe!

(Impostrophe is also, curiously enough, how I pronounced "apostrophe" when I was wee.)

At any rate, no matter what some folks say, I'm not one of those grammar Nazis you get. While I've been known to wrestle the rapists off my beloved English language from time to time, everyone knows I only do it so's I can get my own hand up her skirt. Oh, yeh--c'mere, wench! I've got something for you. That's right. I said "I've got," not "I have," and you loved it. Didn't you? Didn't you? Quiet down, now, dear--let's not drown out the song of the packbawkies. Hey, I left a comma outside a quotation mark, somewhere. Let's look for it together.

(Grammariot* pickup lines. I've plumbed new depths, I think. Forget the bottom of the barrel--this here's the floor under the barrel, where all the spiders are.)

As I was saying, though, I'm not a grammar Nazi, or a grammariot, or whatever you want to call it. When I'm in an argument, I don't abandon the subject at hand to pick holes in my opponent's English. Nor do I stop people mid-sentence to point out split infinitives. And I have never, ever flown flame-pinioned through an Internet forum, demanding the eschewal of Netspeak from all serious-minded discussions. I have even (God help me!) embraced the OMG and the WTF, and sometimes, just sometimes, the OMGWTF. Indeed, I'm reputed to have said, under certain extreme circumstances--

--OMGWTFLOL!!!!111111oneoneoneoneoneone AROOOOooo00000**

Worst of all, there have--yes, there have--been instances of "pwn3d" in this very journal. As it said on my last Nethack gravestone, I have transgressed.

Nonetheless, I submit that none of my importunate invasions of Miss Language's drawers carry quite the affront of a "Sign's painted while U wait," or an "Im going bonker's***". Why? I don't know--because I, as her self-avowed paramour, am permitted the odd indiscretion? Because it's only annoying when other people do it? Because it just plain looks silly?

Really, I haven't the foggiest. I don't know why impostrophes irk me so much, when faulty subject-verb agreements scarcely merit a frown. Comma splices hurt my brain, but mixed-up American and British spellings whizz on by. I can't bear to see "anymore" written all as one word, but "brastrap" and "musclecar" are fine. Alas--I fear I am a grammaracist: however egregious the flaw, it only bothers me if it's not part of my dialect.

Either that, or impostrophes are awful--awful in a visceral sort of way, which doesn't need the validation of logic. I mean, consider the last sentence, impostrophe edition: "Either that, or impostrophe's are awful--awful in a visceral sort of way, which doesnt need the validation of logic." Wasn't that infuriating? Didn't it just make you want to rip my face off? If I wrote a whole letter that way, would the recipient still read it? Augh! Impostrophes are the pits!

Know what else is the pits? Tidying up. I'm writing about impostrophes as an excuse to be not tidying up. My sister's coming tomorrow, and the place is a tip. That would be my cue, I think, to get off the PC and get all the bag's and paper's off the floor's. (Ouch, ouch, ouch! Somebody beat me down, pronto!)

* Grammariot (n): ill-fated sprog of a grammarian and a zealot. Loathsome creature, generally drowned on sight.

** But it was really my evil twin.

*** This causes particular concern, since both dyspostrophia and impostrophia gravis appear to be present at once.