The Flying Dustman

1) I once had an insurance policy that covered flood damage, fire damage, earthquake damage, and acts of God (lightning damage?), but not rodent damage. I could burn the place down, if I wanted, but heaven forbid a rat should bite the skirtingboard.

2) If I were a wildlife photographer, I could have a website called worth1000birds.com. That would be really funny.

3) Giant Rats is falling apart, thanks to shoddy planning. Determined to avoid repeating this mistake, I've already started plotting my next novel. I have five pages of notes, a timeline that shows what's got to happen when, and the following title ideas:

THE SILLY BIRDER'S GUIDE TO SILLY BIRDS;
THE FLYING DUSTMAN;
THE GIFT OF THE GARBAGE-GOOSE;
THE SQUAWKING;
TO KILL A TALKING BIRD;
SEAGULLS KILLED MY WIFE, BUT SAVED MY MARRIAGE;
CELEBRITY BIRD SIGHTINGS: ELVIS, MADONNA, AND A GRACKLE GO TO THE MALL.

I'd just read an article on titles, that day. It said titles are the main determinant of commercial success. If you don't simultaneously describe the story, refer to pop-culture, and titillate the readers, no-one will ever buy your book.

(It's possible I misunderstood the article, or only read the first paragraph.)

4) Sometimes, chairs really do make farty sounds.

5) When I was four years old, I thought "get" and "git" were the same word. I went to great lengths to avoid using either one, thinking I'd get in trouble for swearing. Excuse me. Thinking I'd find myself in trouble for swearing.

6) When I was three years old, I told my parents I'd learned some new words: "bitch," "fucking," "shit," and "cunt." I can still remember the expression on their faces. It was perfectly balanced between outrage and amusement.

7) In 1991, I dressed up as George Bush for Hallowe'en. That is to say, I tied a bunch of juniper branches to my shirt, and wrote "George" on my forehead. Nobody caught the reference.

8) In Tokyo, I saw four girls wearing "NO SPEAKY ENGLISH" shirts. I immediately thought of those "STUPID WHITE PERSON" kanji shirts you can get over here, and wondered if they were the same idea. I went over to ask, but chickened out. (I asked for directions to the railway, instead. They laughed at me. They probably knew what I really meant to ask. Either that, or I didn't say what I thought I said. Or--oh, dear God. What if I was standing in front of the railway, the whole time?)

9) In a Swedish hat shop, I told the clerk "I language not manly Swede." (I meant to say "I don't speak much Swedish." The two phrases are not overwhelmingly similar.)

10) The Swedish words for "cock" and "kitchen" are overwhelmingly similar. (He laughed so hard he lost his erection. I'm still laughing.)

11) I used to have a rat named Socrates. One day, I was crossing Hemlock Street with that rat on my shoulder, and he jumped off and ran away.

12) I told story #11 so many times that people started yelling "Socrates!" whenever I repeated myself.

13) You could call "Socrates" on just about everything on this list.