The Next Canadian Idol

Oh, man! They're having auditions for Canadian Idol (which is like American Idol, only for Canada) in Vancouver this spring! I'd just die to go! I mean, it'd be great! I'd bomb completely, they'd insult me, and then I'd come home and write the whole fiasco up with my face just splitting with glee...and maybe, just maybe, a few months later when the show wrapped up filming, they'd put me on the telly in a "Worst Of" show. I've never seen American Idol itself, but I have seen the horrible audition videos. I'd absolutely kill to be in of one of those. It'd be brilliant.

Of course, I can't really go to the auditions. My health's been just terrible lately, and the likelihood of my being able to queue up for hours, and then find the strength to sing, is remote. I won't be left out, though. I demand the opportunity to draw attention to my colossal ineptitude.

To that end, I've made a wee audition tape of my own. I don't actually sing in it--we've all heard that already, and there's no need for further torture. No. I have, in fact, discovered something I'm even worse at than singing: rapping! Even I didn't know how heinous I was till I played back the tape. So, without further ado, may I present my latest video masterpiece. I call it...

I mean, can you imagine? No joke, it took me several tries to get it even that good. The judges, they'd be all:

"So, you think you're the next Canadian idol?"

"Oh, yes. This is my dream. If you put me up there, I'll just--I'll... (cue starstruck spluttering) ...I mean, I'll go way beyond Canada. I'll be, like, the whole world idol, baby!"

"Socar--look, don't take this the wrong way, but you're terrible!"

"What?"

"Dreadful!"

"No!"

"Honestly, you shouldn't even be speaking with that voice, let alone singing. It hurts my brain. I think my fillings shook loose when you said hello."

"You're a mean old man!"

"Ha, ha, ha. Did you really think--I mean, do you honestly think you're the best singer in Canada?"

"All my friends love my voice!"

"No. No. Darling, if your friends are telling you they love that, they're lying to you. They're lying to you. You have no sense of rhythm, you don't know the words, and you're not even Canadian!"

"Am too!"

"Right."

"But--but--can't I just try one more--er...oh, my Gawd--ha, ha, haaaaaaa!"

(At this point, I can't keep a straight face one second longer. I stagger out of the room giggling and hooting and gasping out things like "This was the best EVER!", and "I've not had so much fun in ages!)

P.S. - I don't really think Wisconsin is in Canada.