The Rat's Nest Guide to Hitler-Free Television

I cut my finger at breakfast this morning, on a malevolent cracker. Yeah, a cracker, a--a seaweed cracker, you know, one of those brittle rice jobbies you get. I was just spreading cheese on it, without undue force or enthusiasm, when it broke. One splinter, the one with the cheese on, went down my shirt, contaminating my bra. A contingent of crumbs infiltrated the dark parts of the couch, those parts where the vacuum won't reach. And the bit left in my hand, it jabbed me. There was blood. Cream cheese and crumbs and red, red blood. Sounds like the name of a rock-and-roll band. Pearl Jam, The 5,6,7,8s, Cream Cheese and Crumbs...it fits right in.

Feeling mildly silly, at any rate, I stuck my wounded finger in my mouth, not to lick the blood, but for the cheese. There was cheese on my finger, too. That was when my teeth got in the way, and, well, I bit myself, right on the crackercut. What a disaster!

It's this time of year. I hate this time of year, this damp, cold weather. It gives me dry skin. That's how crackerpieces get in, under little roughnesses, little fissures, which wouldn't be there in summer. Oh, sure, summer's got its own evils, its tourists and sunburns and killer mosquitoes, but at least one can have breakfast in relative safety.

A man across the street is using his computer in the nude. I just looked out and saw him, large as life and pretty damn ugly. His pectoral muscles shoogled when he raised his coffee-mug. (I wasn't staring, really. He picked it up right as I spotted him, and before I could avert my eyes--well, you know. Slurp-jiggle-jiggle; indelible mental image; thanks a billion, nudist neighbour.) You wouldn't get that in summer, either. I mean, the man himself might still be there, but the sun'd still be up at this time, and glaring on his window. You could be staring right at him, but all you'd see would be the reflections of seagulls.

Ah, summer, where have you gone? What became of you this year? I don't remember summer oh-four at all. Frits visited, and it was warm that week. The week after that, it was hot. I made extra ice-cubes. Stella spread herself out like roadkill on the floor. Gail said it would be funny if a crow came in the window and bit her...and then it was autumn. What was I doing? Did I toil the whole summer away, with nary a day in the sun? I did, didn't I? Hopeless! And now it's winter, the dead of winter, the heart of winter, the frigid, clammy depths of winter, and I'm drowning in it.

Drowning. That's what it seemed like, anyhow, yesterday afternoon. I'd had a bit of a relapse, with respect to my health, and was once again flat out on the couch. Fortunately, I had the remote in hand this time, so I undertook a very thorough, very scientific channel-survey, designed to minimize my chances of waking up with Hitler in my ear.

VERY THOROUGH, VERY SCIENTIFIC CHANNEL-SURVEY RESULTS, WHICH, PROPERLY APPLIED, OUGHT TO MINIMIZE ONE'S CHANCES OF WAKING UP WITH HITLER IN ONE'S EAR*

CHANNELS 3-7: These appear to be local channels, and show mostly news, PG-rated sitcoms, and bad after-school specials. Unfortunately, after 11 PM, they may switch over to PAID PROGRAMMING. PAID PROGRAMMING usually involves nothing more terrifying than juice machines and get-rich-quick books, but sometimes there are Jesus freaks. Thus, although these channels are not a high Hitler risk, they're still not safe late-night entertainment.

CHANNELS 8 and 20: These two bill themselves as multicultural channels, and have a lot of foreign-language news. Channel 8 also has a lot of lawyer and cop dramas, but they all appear to be reruns. Still, when all's said and done, these two are very low Hitler risks, although there may be instances of PAID PROGRAMMING.

CHANNELS 9-18: Several of these are news channels, and channel eighteen is the weather channel. (No Hitler risk there, although there's an 92% chance of intense boredom.) The rest are devoted to sitcoms, dramas, after-school specials, and PAID PROGRAMMING. Man, what's with all the PAID PROGRAMMING? Does anyone even watch it? Who buys that shit?

CHANNEL 19: This is the W. channel. I'm not sure what the W. stands for, but my money's on wankers. Although Channel W. is a very low Hitler risk, it features an inordinate number of sappy chat shows and bad TV movies. Movies involving the sexual assault of children are especially popular with the W. set. Yeuch. The W. channel is to be avoided at all costs.

CHANNELS 21-24: These are news, sports, news, and...er completely indescribable, respectively. None of them seemed to have any Hitler-related shows playing yesterday, but I don't trust that Channel 24. I think they're into Satan, over there. Or maybe it's God. It was difficult to tell.

CHANNEL 25: This is the kids' channel. It mostly has cartoons, Degrassi Junior High, and, very late at night, Are You Being Served? reruns. Although you'd be highly unlikely to encounter Hitler on Channel 25, there's nothing much of interest, either. Plus, cartoons often have annoying voices in them, which are not conducive to peaceful sleep.

CHANNELS 26-30: News, news, news, music, and sports. The music channel may occasionally have Hitler-related videos on, but I'm not bothered--the likelihood of my ever watching that channel is nil. I mean, Christ, it's not even MTV. It's bloody Much Music. I understand they suck.

CHANNEL 31: This is Arts and Entertainment. You wouldn't expect Hitler on a channel called Arts and Entertainment, but there he is. Nazi documentaries have been observed on several occasions, as well as WWII-themed movies. Often, these movies are introduced by serious-faced middle-agers (too young to remember much of that era, if anything at all), who describe the real-life horrors behind the scripts. They seem to be enjoying themselves a little too much. A&E should only be watched when one expects to be awake at the end of one's program, and able to change the channel. There's nothing worse than going to sleep with a tribute to Verdi and waking up with the SS March.

CHANNEL 32: This channel seems to be devoted to gentlemen's programming. Apparently, men want to watch action movies, reality TV, and Elimidate. Jesus H, guys. Anyhow, Hitler may occasionally show up in the context of a World War II action flick, but I get the impression that Channel 32 picks breasts over dictators nine times out of ten.

CHANNEL 33: CNN. While Hitler sightings are unlikely, I can't think of a single compelling reason to watch CNN.

CHANNEL 34: Ah, the Learning Channel. They're into pets, medical miracles, building stuff, interesting recipes, and, alas, PAID PROGRAMMING. Completely innocuous, but caters to a very special sort of viewer. Sod the Learning Channel.

CHANNEL 35: You're not going to believe this, but this is Much More Music. Yikes.

CHANNEL 36: And...country music.

CHANNELS 37 and 38: These channels think they're slightly more serious than the other news channels, but they're really just slightly more boring. Zero Hitler, but, sadly, zero interest.

CHANNEL 39: Although they've been showing "The Believer" a lot lately (or was that A&E?), they're usually more interested in sex than in violence. Channel 39 is a pretty safe bet, as far as Nazi avoidance is concerned, but has been known to cause bizarre dreams. I had Channel 39 on the time I dreamed video game characters were stealing my covers. Also, Channel 39 goes off-air for an hour or so every night, leaving an obnoxious beeping sound in its wake.

CHANNEL 40: They call themselves Bravo, and show Sex and the City a lot. They also seem to like the Three Tenors. Hitler activity is intermittent. Some days, there's none at all. Other days, they have an A&E-style movie-and-memories deal. This level of unpredictability is unacceptable. All in or all out; no middle-ground!

CHANNEL 41: Life. This sounds like a biology channel, but it isn't. They have a lot of dating shows, a lot of housekeeping shows, and not much else. I think I saw an Auschwitz documentary on their schedule a while ago, but it might've been Channel 40, or even Channel 42. I'm not sure. Be it noted, however, that some of their programming is a little misleading, as far as Hitler content goes. They have a program called Classroom, for instance, which doesn't have a description in the e-guide. I clicked over to see what it was, and there was Hitler occupying France. Channel 41 is to be avoided, just to be on the safe side. (Besides, all their shows suck!)

CHANNEL 42: The Discovery Channel. This is the channel everyone says they watch, because they think it makes them look smart. Once in a while, I do watch it, but only because I like Mythbusters. I have a thing for the one with the moustache--you know, the walrus man. Jamie, I think. Although the Discovery Channel seemed happily Nazi-less yesterday, I know I've woken up a couple of hours after Mythbusters before, Hitler-radar abuzz. Usually, it's been nothing more horrifying than a documentary on the Luftwaffe, but you never can tell with these war shows. They've always got to get a message in, you know, about how dreadful the war was, so they go and trot Hitler out. The Discovery Channel must be treated with caution, but may be suitable for consumption in small doses.

CHANNEL 43: I have no idea what this channel is supposed to be. The old folks' channel, maybe? I don't know. They have the Antiques Roadshow, though, and sometimes people come on that with WWII memorabilia. Better avoid it.

CHANNEL 44: Hitler--I mean History Television. Need I really say more? Man, these folks are obsessed with Hitler. They love the guy. Without Hitler, there wouldn't be any History Television. These people, they scare me. They deal in gooshy bits. They think the only thing better than a story about the gas chambers is a picture of the gas chambers, and the only thing better than a picture is a video. Sometimes, in their documentaries, the narrator comes on and advises parents to clear their children from the room**. Channel 44 must never, ever, under any circumstances, be left on overnight. As the Weather Channel would say, there's a 99% chance of heavy Hitler.

CHANNEL 45: This is the Space Channel. Us rats like the Space Channel. They show LEXX from time to time, and Hitler content is very low. I mean, every couple of years that one Star Trek episode comes around, the one where they get sucked into a parallel universe where the Nazis won WWII, but that's about it. Sadly, they also have Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but, hey, nobody's perfect.

CHANNEL 46: Home and Garden TV. Boooooo-ring.

CHANNEL 47: It isn't the Comedy Network (that's Channel 57), but the programming consists entirely of comedies, anyway. Sitcoms, stand-up, romantic comedies, all that sort of thing. Not my cup of tea, but good late-night viewing. Puts me to sleep pronto, and no Hitler whatsoever.

CHANNEL 48: Has M*A*S*H reruns every day, and not much of anything else. I can't remember the last time I watched Channel 48, since I've already seen every episode of M*A*S*H at least twice. (Channel 48 was one of the only ones that came in at my old workplace.)

CHANNEL 49: Search me. They have a lot of Twilight Zone stuff, though, which isn't really my thing. I mean, I love a good ghost story, but not when it's trying to represent itself as anything other than fiction.

CHANNEL 50: The Cartoon Network. Piss off. (No Hitler, though.)

CHANNELS 51-58: Family, food, golf, sports, cars, cartoons, comedy, and the stock market. The comedy channel is not funny. None of the others are, either, so sod them.

CHANNEL 59: Ah, my favourite: the spying-on-folks-outside-my-building channel. The doorcam here isn't as good as the one at my old building, which was positioned in such a way that it looked straight up people's noses when they leaned in to swipe their cards, but it's still good for a laugh. Some guy stood out there scratching his arse for twenty minutes the other week. High entertainment, that--and, barring the odd American History X wannabe, no Nazis. (I've never actually seen one of those, either. I'm just accounting for the possibility, sort of thing.)

CHANNELS 60-63: These are the movie channels, devoted, in turn, to box-office hits, action flicks, romance, and horror. However, in spite of their apparent mandates, they all show the same crap. There is at least one Nazi-related film in circulation at all times. This month, it's The Pianist. I can't begrudge it to 'em, since The Pianist was, in my opinion, worth watching. Last month, though, it was The Grey Zone, which I felt was pure rubbish. Before that, there was something about Jewish gynecologists, with a lot of vomit in. I often had one of the movie channels on late at night, so I kept waking up with people vomiting onscreen. Vomiting is bad, and Nazis are bad, but vomiting and Nazis together are completely intolerable. For some reason, the movie channels seem particularly attached to The Believer, which has been running intermittently for as long as I can remember. That's another one with Nazis and vomit, although it's got a nice soundtrack which...

...but, anyhow, channels 60-63 are on the caution list. Hitler probability in the low twenties; chance of noisy spew.

CHANNELS 64-67: News and entertainment. Chance of movie spillover from Channels 60-63. Nazi probability very low--just like the probability of worthwhile programming.

CONCLUSION: There's nothing on TV.

RELEVANT CONCLUSION: It's reasonably safe to leave the Discovery Channel running well into the night. The news and entertainment stations are safe bets for daytime sleeping, but at night, they get all snarled up with the PAID PROGRAMMING, and must be avoided. Channel 47 is also safe, and the movie channels vary in safety from month to month. This month, with The Pianist, they're fine. Next month, it could be The Grey Zone again, and they're off.

I get some of the channels above 67, as well, but I don't remember which ones, so I didn't bother to check them out. They may, however, be Hitler-free safe havens, a sort of...high-channel paradise. (Or not.) Anyway, who cares? I got a headache from looking through the channels I did. No way am I going through the...oh, two, three hundred special-interest stations.

* Results based on a single day's programming, none of which was actually watched. Some channels listed only program titles in the electronic guide, without benefit of descriptions, so some Hitlerous programming may have been overlooked. Also, some channels may have been holding one-day-only Hitler specials. Furthermore, prior experience has been applied to some channels and not others, seeing as I haven't watched all the channels. Oh, and at some points during the programming day, I was asleep, so...well, when all's said and done, these results are more or less entirely invalid.

** I made that part up. But, hey, the fact that I've never seen it doesn't mean it never happens!