Things People Say

There was once an Internet craze--or maybe I dreamed it--for making webpages dedicated to the eating of balls. Mr. T Ate My Balls, I think, was the first one, but the madness didn't end there. All over the Internet, it was open season on the common testicle. Folks had their balls eaten by everyone from AOL* to Invader Zim. Yahoo had a whole category devoted to Ate My Balls pages. It was everywhere, like Britney Spears, like duct tape, like All your base are belong to us. And then...and then it went away--

--until some stupid ol' rat, in a fit of nostalgia, decided to revive it, just for one night.

No, just kidding. Even I don't miss Ate My Balls pages. I was just sitting here, thinking about this guy I used to know--he had a funny name, and everyone used to laugh at it--and suddenly it popped into my head: Yosepp ate my balls!

His name wasn't really Yosepp, of course; it was Joseph, but he grew up in a country where it's normally spelled Josef. Kids being kids, it ended up getting pronounced Yosepp. He tried to reclaim his dignity by shortening it to Joe, but then people said Yo-eh. At last, despairing, he truncated it as far as it would go: Jo. Unfortunately for him, that's a girl's name. Alas, poor Yosepp**. Some people can never win.

Ah, I'm so tired. I've hardly slept lately--too much work to be done; too little time in which to do it. Yosepp could never escape his tormentors, and I can't escape my creditors. It's that damn Royal Bank. They're after me again, with their RRSP deposits and their Visa bills. I pay off a hundred dollars, and they add a hundred and fifty in interest. I feel like David might've done, if, as he stood before Goliath, he'd reached in his pocket and discovered the stone had fallen out.

Faugh. Get thee from my thoughts, O mountain of debt!

BY WAY OF DISTRACTION, A LIST OF UNINTENTIONALLY MISLEADING THINGS I SAY ON A DISTURBINGLY REGULAR BASIS

OF TIME AND TIDE

Times of Day

The Crack of Dawn: When the seagulls get up.
Morning: When I get up. (Note that I often get up in what would generally be considered the middle of the night.)
Afternoon: After breakfast, but before dinner.
Evening: After dinner.
Night: When I am sleeping.

Relatively Specific Dates and Times

Today: Any time since I last got out of bed (even if I've not slept in days).
Yesterday: Some time this week, or possibly last week.
Last Week: Some time this month...maybe.
Last Year: Generally within the last couple of years, unless I really meant to say a while back (see Completely Arbitrary Dates and Times, below).

Completely Arbitrary Dates and Times

A While Back: Some time within the last century, give or take a few decades.
Ages Ago: Some time between several minutes and several billion years ago.
The Other Day: I have absolutely no idea when the incident I'm describing took place, but it probably wasn't today.

OF MISPLACED LETTERS

Excuses for Not Having Replied to People's E-Mails After Ages Have Gone By

I forgot: I forgot.
I thought I answered already: I forgot, then forgot I forgot.
I lost your e-mail: I forgot, and then couldn't find your message because it was surrounded by a thousand other messages I forgot.
I didn't get your e-mail: Not only did I forget to reply, but I forgot the e-mail itself. You should write more memorable e-mails.
What a coincidence--I'm replying right now: - I forgot, but I feel terrible, and will now commence furious typing.
I tried to send it, but there was an error: ...and then I was going to try again, but I forgot.
The dog ate it: I forgot, but it's OK because you're not mad. You're not, are you?
I'm positive I replied: Hey, I may be forgetful, but my Sent folder says this one wasn't my fault. Quit using Hotmail. ... ... ... ...wanker!

OF HOME AND HEARTH

Recipe: Microwave preparation instructions.
Soup: Any savoury liquid concoction, of any description whatsoever. Technically, water with pepper in it constitutes soup, according to this definition.
Anti-Heartburn Diet: A largely-forgotten list of supposed "safe-foods", given me by a long-forgotten doctor. When I say I am following this diet, what I am really doing is eating chicken salads from Quizno's.
Proper Food: Anything I didn't make***.
Good Food: Anything I didn't make, get out of a can, or order from a questionable restaurant.

* I should know--it was my balls AOL ate. Yes, it is true. Even I got in on the craze.

** I knew him, Horatio.

*** Although, as per my New Year's resolution, I have made a certain amount of Proper Food this year, and firmly intend to make more. I have not yet been able to make any Good Food, alas, but I have high hopes.