Those Damn Screamy Things

Had an amusing misunderstanding with the cable guy, yesterday morning:

"Hey, are you afraid of me, or something?", says this guy, creeping into my personal space.

"Afraid of you? What? Do I look afraid?" (says me, creeping back out again).

"Well, it's just that every time I get anywhere near you, you back away, or hide behind a piece of furniture."

"Right--" (deep sigh; this is embarrassing) "--see that plate over there? The one with the great skanky heel of garlic bread on it, with the bite taken out? Yeh, that's the one. I was eating that when you arrived. I'm standing over here so as not to offend you with my smelly self, see?"

"Oh! I thought maybe you were afraid of black folks, or something."

"Not unless they're trying to take my garlic bread."

"Ha, ha, ha!"

"Ha, ha, ha!"

Speaking of fear, I must take this opportunity to decry a disturbingly long-lived Internet fad, namely, the posting of Screamy Things to newsgroups and message boards. A Screamy Thing, for the uninitiated, is a seemingly innocuous .gif image or video file, often presented as a brain-teaser or "find-the-hidden-object" puzzle. However, twenty or thirty seconds in, some stupid nit jumps into the frame and SCREAMS like a banshee, shattering your eardrums and, if the walls are particularly thin, your neighbours' eardrums as well. This is particularly annoying when you've got your speakers turned up for one reason and another.

"FOR ONE REASON AND ANOTHER": SIGNS YOU MAY BE LOOKING AT A SCREAMY THING

People who post Screamy Things may accompany the link with one or several of the following statements, intended to maximize the irritation factor for unsuspecting viewers:

1) "This video is brilliant! The guy muttering in the background (about ten seconds in) is absolutely hilarious, but you have to turn your speakers way up to be able to make out what he says."

2) "There's like FIFTY DILDOS hidden in this picture, I swear to God! You have to look really closely, though--they did an amazing job of concealing them. Hint: there's one in the curtains, right near the potted plant."

3) "It's easiest to see the secret picture if you just relax, focus on a point slightly BEYOND the image, and concentrate on the big shapes."

(By getting you to relax as much as possible, and to concentrate fully on your screen, the Screamy Thing pushers are hoping to increase the shock of having the Screamy Guy pop up in your face. If you're not really paying much attention, much of the impact will be lost, unless you followed instruction 1, in which case the noise'll still get you.)

WHAT TO DO IF YOU SUSPECT A POSTED LINK OF BEING A SCREAMY THING

Imagine, for a moment, you're a skyvey twat who's got nothing better to do with his time than hunt down Screamy Things and spread them around the Internet. What's the best outcome you could hope for? Why, a Screamy Thing chain reaction, of course, where each new victim becomes a convert to your cause: Man, that was just awful! I'm going to pretend it was something excellent, so I won't be the only berk to take the bait.

This would, in fact, be rather amusing, if Screamy Things were funny. Unfortunately, they aren't. At best, they're a waste of time. At worst, they catch you completely by surprise, and you've got a mouthful of hot cocoa, and you react to the shock by spraying it out your nose, thus scalding your sensitive nasal linings. I've yet to see a Screamy Thing done in a remotely stylish or eye-catching fashion. They're all bloody eyesores, is what they are, with the added advantage of being earsores as well.

So, what should you do? Why, RAT THE BASTARD OUT, of course, either with your own witty line, or with one of these canned responses:

"This is going to be one of those Screamy Things, isn't it? Man, I hate those things. They're the worst. They're the pits. They make me sick. Anyone caught posting Screamy Things ought to be chained up à la Clockwork Orange, and forced to watch nothing but screamy guys and Ashlee Simpson videos for forty-eight hours straight."

"GUYS, NO! STOP! DON'T EAT THAT! It's going to be another of those Screamy Things, I guarantee it!"

"Ha, ha--got me good, mate! Check this out, though: if you go to that page and press CTRL-W, you can get it to trigger at any time."

(Folks who post Screamy Things will, generally speaking, not be bright enough to realize it's a trick. Potential victims, on the other hand, will sense something's wonky and give it a miss.)

"If you've never seen one of these Screamy Things before, raise your hand."

"Attention! Attention! If you click on this link, you'll be fine for ten seconds. You'll be fine for twenty seconds. You might even be fine for thirty seconds, but some time, some time down the line, some wanker who thinks he's clever will jump out of the picture and scream in your face. Consider yourself warned."

"Wow. I've never seen one of those SCREAMY THINGS before!"

"I heard about these things called 'emoticons', where you put something like :-), then look at it sideways, and it looks like a face smiling at you. You can do frowny ones, too-- :-( --or even an angry one-- >:-( .

What, you knew about those?

Oh, right. That's 'cos they've got whiskers on, rather like that SCREAMY THING you're trying to post.

:-D"

THE BEST SCREAMY THING REVENGE STORY EVER

Once, I had the great good fortune to catch an art director I was working for posting one of these Screamy Things. I didn't say anything at the time, but the following morning, when I sent him a link to a page full of concept sketches, I made one of them a Screamy Thing.

PWN3D, as I believe they say in certain Internet circles.