Tutorial: Forking the Bird

NB: I've edited this entry, on the 25th of May, to correct some f�gel-fork fallacies, if you will--some mallardish misconceptions, and egretine egregiousness. That, and to add in a couple of exotic bird-forks I'd quite forgotten, in my eagerness to instruct the Internet.

The topic for tonight's lecture is the art of the bird-fork. That is to say, of course, the jolly ol' British workers' salute, the reverse rabbit ears, the upside-down crotch-you-very-much, and what-have-you. The finger. The arm. The underchin up-yours. The non-verbal naff-off, in its various guises.

FIRST THINGS FIRST: WHAT IS THE BIRD-FORK?

Well, it's not something you pull out round Christmas, to dispense with that extra-plump turkey; I'll tell you that for nothing. It's not something a bird does, either, unless it's one of those naughty parrots you get. You can teach a parrot to do anything. Those greenfeather types have no compunctions whatsoever. No moral fibre, sort of thing. Why, my auntie's neighbour had this one parrot, one of those great baldface macaws you get, and every word out of its beak was a cuss-word. My mother said that's why she was deaf, and had white hair, because of this parrot's cussing. I bet that parrot forked the bird all the time. Come to think of it, he probably invented the bird. They live a long time, those bawky geezers. They--

--oh, right. Forking the bird. Well, technically speaking, you only really fork the bird in Britain, and maybe Australia. I don't know about Australia, though. They've got their own bird, which is more wafted than forked, if you can properly waft something of that nature, and--

--and I'm doing it again, getting off on a tangent. The bird! It's a rude hand gesture, isn't it? It's an expression of displeasure everyone can employ, except folks without hands. Mouth full of flapjack? Fork the bird. Had your tongue cut out in a Freemason initiation gone awry? Fork the bird. Laryngitis? Catarrh? Noisy party? Rope round your neck, cutting off your windpipe? Bird, bird, bird, slightly droopy bird. This bird flies in all weather. This isn't one of those wee niminy birds you find, yon sparrows and titmice and wrens. No, this is a great hearty bluejay, pecking roughbeaked over all the other birds.

Yes. The bird is a robust weapon, indeed. But, as with all weapons, it works better once you've learned how to use it. Think of the bird as a...as an H&K MP5/10 10mm auto. Untrained bird-forking is like picking up that sweet SMG and clonking someone over the head with it. It gets the general idea across, but it doesn't leave a Texas-sized hole in their thorax. It doesn't rip their heart out and splort it over a nearby wall.

Come to think of it, neither does flipping the bird, even on a good day. However, one might sharpen the sting a little. One might consider the bird a papercut, and this tutorial a means of adding lemon juice.

THE BIRD-FORK IN ITS SIMPLEST FORM

1) Clench your fist. Either one will do.

2) Raise that fist, so the knuckles are pointing to the sky, and the back of your hand is pointing at your intended victim. It's very important to have your hand pointing in the right direction. If you get it backwards, see, you'll be giving them a victory sign instead. People like getting victory signs, so this blunder is to be avoided at all costs.

3) Holding your pinky and ring fingers down with your thumb, pop up your index and middle fingers. Make sure you have them slightly apart. If they're together, you're giving the Boy Scout sign, or something. Or maybe the Brownie sign. Who cares? Just spread 'em, already!

4) Give your wrist an aggressive little upward flick: up yours!

5) The bird is complete. You can put your hand away now.

Ideally, this should all be done in one fluid motion. If you've got to twist your fist about and count your fingers all afternoon, you might as well be giving yourself the bird. (You'd deserve it, you daft cunt!)

WHAT, THAT'S IT? WANKER!

Who're you calling a wanker, wanker? Anyway, that's not it, at all, unless you want to be a boring bird-forker, a forgettable bird-forker--one whose birds fly up over the bus-lines and into the great blue yonder, never to be seen again.

The next step is adding the raspberry. This is particularly effective when flipping off Americans, because they don't tend to expect it. The American bird, like the American eagle, is silent*.

HOW TO BLOW A RASPBERRY

1) Stick your tongue out a little, pursing your lips around it.

2) Blow. This will cause your lips to flap against your protruding tongue, producing a loud fart noise, and possibly a fine salivary spray.

Some people prefer to blow their raspberries by other means, such as forcing air through the pouchy bit beneath their upper lips, or simply blowing with their mouths closed. This is, in my opinion, poor raspberry technique, for two reasons:

1) You can't spit in your target's face this way. Spitting in their face adds to the offensiveness of the experience immeasurably.

2) If you're blowing the raspberry in a noisy environment, or from behind a closed window (while driving, for instance), the target may not realize a raspberry has been blown. They will, however, see a protruding tongue. Bullulluuullllll! (Imagine me waving my tongue about in a truly obscene manner, the better to illustrate my point.)

SO I'VE PRACTICED FOR AGES, AND GOT MY BIRD AND RASPBERRY JUST RIGHT. NOW, WHAT?

The bird is a thing of infinite beauty and infinite variation. Try zooming your bird around like a little paper dart, for an added air of flippancy. (This is perfect for flipping off folks who take themselves extra-seriously, like writers and professors.) Or play Rock-Paper-BIRD: snip your fingers about as if you're playing the scissors, then, when your target goes to crush you with a Rock, flip 'im off. Or run your fingers across the tabletop like a tiny pair of legs, then, when they reach your target, upend 'em--

--and, FLIP!

--and, RASPBERRY!

Got 'em again!

Or go in for a double-barrelled bird, with both hands at once, or--oh, no, I daren't! I mustn't! I--oh, what the hell. Stick up your legs, and all. Three birds in one. The full-body bird. The only danger with that one is that if you haven't got on any trousers, you might get rogered.

BEYOND THE BIRD: INTERNATIONAL VARIANTS

First, there's the American bird, otherwise known as the finger. Americans, see, they only use their middle fingers, which makes their bird a bit more of a challenge. Getting one finger to stand on its own, well, it's a bit of a sticky wicket, isn't it? You just wad up the rest of your fingers and hope for the best, as far as I can tell. Oh, and make sure the back of your hand's pointing at your target, same as with the proper bird. Otherwise, you're birding yourself. (Woo. Sounds dirty...like a dirty birdie.)

The American bird is not generally accompanied by a raspberry. However, not to be left behind, Americans have evolved various indigenous bird species, which you won't find anywhere else.

EXOTIC BIRDING, AMERICAN STYLE

a) The Windup Bird

1) Clench your fist, knuckles up, hairy side out. You know the drill.

2) Now, get your other hand, and describe a little circular movement beside your clenched fist, as though you were turning a very small crank.

3) As you turn the crank, slowly raise your middle finger, till it's standing in full bird position. Grin smugly.

b) The Radio Flyer

1) Crank up the finger, as though you're doing the Windup Bird. But then, instead of putting it away again, get out your other finger (the middle finger of your other hand, that is, not another finger on the same hand).

2) Hold the two fingers about six inches apart.

3) Shout "In stereo!"

4) Make little circular motions with both fingers.

5) Shout "Surround sound!"

6) Put 'em up waaaaaaay over your head.

7) Shout "Satellite!"

8) Run. This is really annoying, and you are now in danger of "getting beat," as they say in America.

c) Horsefly!

1) Do an ordinary vertical bird: "For you..."

2) Do a horizontal bird, where the middle finger appears to be fucking something, er, horizontal. (The finger, see, it's meant to represent a penis. It's probably derived from the Italian "uccello", which can mean either "bird" or "penis".) Anyway, do a horizontal bird: "...and the horse you rode in on!"

d) The (Not-So)-Considerate Curlew-Call

1) Present bird...upside-down.

2) With an air of great solicitiousness, ask your victim if he can hear it all right.

3) Slowly turn your bird right-way-up: "No? Then let me turn it up for you."

THE AMERICAN ARMY BIRD, THE ITALIAN WHISKERY BIRD, AND OTHER DISTANT COUSINS

a) The US ARMy Bird, or Giving the Arm

This bird, I am told, is an Italian import, which has simply been adopted by the US Armed Forces. Or maybe it was annexed--you know, during the Second World War, or something. Either way, it wants to be American, but it was born in Italy.**

1) Grab your left arm, just above the elbow, with your right hand.

2) Clench your left fist.

3) Make the kind of face that'd stick to you if the wind changed.

4) Jerk your left arm violently upwards, being careful not to whack yourself in the chin.

b) The Italian Whiskery Bird

I'd initially believed this bird to be Australian, but it seems to have come from Italy, and all. There's quite an active birding culture over there, it seems. Don't forget to accompany this one with a strident "Vaffanculo!". Even those third-generation Italian-Americans you get, who think Aida is a musical by Elton John, understand "Vaffanculo!".

1) Incline your chin upwards a bit, as if you've just smelt something rotten.

2) Using the backs of your fingers, and with a loose-wristed sort of motion, brush your beard forwards. If you haven't got a beard, just pretend you do. If you ask me, you'll look a bit of a toff doing this, but it's all the rage in Italy. I think. Well, what's the worst that could happen? Gawn and try it, eh?

c) Uccello Con Carne

Yet another Italian bird. This species, unfortunately, will probably die out soon, owing to its being male-only.

1) Without removing your trousers (please!), grasp your cock firmly in one hand.

2) Jerk it forward in a suggestive sort of way, possibly with a bit of a hip-thrust for good measure.

3) Shout "Questo cazzo," or "Mangia, mangia," or something similarly revolting.

4) Release your cock: more than one jerk, and you're playing with it.

d) The Soul-Crushing Sole

1) Show the sole of your bare foot to someone. I'm not sure which country or countries this is effective in, so you'll just have to try 'em all till you manage to cause offence.

2) Run away, because it may be customary to kill people who dish out such grave insults.

BOARDROOM-LEVEL BIRD MANAGEMENT

With this lot under your belt, you ought to be able to piss anyone off with a simple flick of your wrist. Quite an accomplishment, that. A dubious one, granted, but those are the best sort, if you ask me. (Shame no-one ever does. Ask me, that is.) All that's left is fine-tuning.

a) Timing

Timing is everything. A split second can mean the difference between a glorious, gilded bird that spreads itself over the sunset sky like a prostitute over a heart-shaped bed, and a sad, bedraggled bird that gets inadvertently kicked down the storm-drain. Now, while there's something to be said for kicking birds down storm-drains, this is not the effect you're after. And nothing I can say can help you here, either. Do you snap off a quick one, with a wink and a grin, or fork up a long, luxurious one, complete with a lingering raspberry? Do you turn away to reveal the bird roosting slyly behind your back, or whip it out bold as you please? If you bird your boss now, will he see your reflection in the window? Will anyone else see you do it? Does anyone else even find your boss deserving of the bird? Only you, intrepid birder, can answer these questions...and woe betide you if you get it wrong!

b) Personality

Do you fire off your raspberry short and sharp, like a report from a hunting rifle? Do you do a weird underhand bird-flip, or turn your whole hand like a doorknob? Are you a bus-by birder, forking triumphant backwards vees at the high street as the Number Eight bears you downtown? Have you--have you named your bird, you filthy sod? Has your bird, in your estimation, got personality? Is it distinguishable from the rest of the pigeons in the park? If not, take it back and get a new one. There's nothing worse than a dodgy bird.

c) Audience

Don't give the bird to your parents, ya berk. Unless, of course, you're positive they won't see. Or unless they bird you first. First rule of birding, that is: once someone's forked you the bird, they're fair game, always and forever.

There are some folks you should never bird. The Queen of England, for instance. They'll run you off if you bird her, even if it's a long-distance bird, forked from under the balcony, across the courtyard, through the gate, and behind a big crowd. I know. It happened to me. They might even charge you with alarming the Queen, although that did not happen, in my case. I got off lightly, you see. You might also want to keep those forky fingers away from the Pope, but not out of any special consideration. It's just that he probably won't know what it means, so you'll be wasting your gorgeous pink plumage.

FWOOSH--PTHHHHBT!

That's it. Sod off, and happy forking!

* The one on the coins, that is. The actual eagle may be very noisy, indeed. I don't know. I've never seen one. There was a pack of falcons near my old house, though, and those things shruck all day long. If eagles are anything like falcons, you'll want to avoid letting them nest on your roof. Plastic rocs and albatrosses may be employed as deterrents. To what effect, again, I don't know, but they may be employed.

* You know: Tu vuo' fa' l'Americano ('mericano, 'mericano)
Ma si nato in Italy!
Siente a me--niun c'è sta niente a fa'
OK, napolitan! Tu vuo' fa' l'American; tu vuo' fa' l'American!